Don't "Drop In"

I’ve been feeling a little guilty for the past couple of days. Guilty because I don’t like to have "drop-in" company. Guilty because I didn’t get to see my relatives. Guilty because some things are just too deeply embedded in my brain to “get over”.

To hell with that. Want to know why? Because I’m exhausted. And I hurt all over.

I would love for this blog to be all cheery, with uplifting thoughts and kind words, and smiley faces pasted all over, but life just ain’t like that all the time when you have Fibromyalgia or Osteoarthritis. Having both is exasperating for someone who has always pushed through whatever – and everything.

I’m a reforming type-A personality. That means “in the process of change”. I have a long way to go. And some things just ain't gonna change.

Only another person who has to deal with extreme fatigue and un-ending pain can truly understand.

From the time I was a little kid, I swore that when I had a home of my own it would be clean. I’m not talking about corners that have been scrubbed clean with a toothbrush. I’m just saying that it should be tidy and neat, with things where they are supposed to be, floors that look like they’ve been swept/mopped/vacuumed recently. Furniture that has been dusted. Clean toilets.

I won’t go into the why of this, but I can assure you that IT is deeply rooted in my psyche from the deep humiliation I felt every time someone showed up at my childhood home.

Because I have mobility issues and must use a wheelchair part of the time, vacuuming and dusting my 2300 square foot house takes a whole day. Changing the linens on the guest beds and washing same takes at least half a day. Washing windows (on the inside only - because my hands don’t work well enough to open them to wash them on the outside – from the inside) takes half a day.

I must get to the grocery store early enough in the day and during the week to be able to snag a handicapped parking spot and motorized cart. That means that I also get home with the goods long before hubby is off work – meaning that I then have to off-load the groceries and carry them into the house. Again, mobility issues make this a long process.

After tossing what must go into the freezer or refrigerator into available spots, I must rest before putting the remainder of the groceries and household goods away. I do not have the energy to fix a big meal for extra mouths or to load or unload the dishwasher, to set the table, to entertain.

I also don’t have the energy or mobility to scrub toilets/tubs, or to do extra laundry, or to mop floors. Some things just don’t get done on time, every time. I'm learning to live with that. But it's not something I wish to impose on others.

Because I have advanced OA throughout my spine, OA in both hips and both knees, chronic bursitis in both hips and one shoulder, obstructive sleep apnea (which means I don’t rest/sleep), restless leg syndrome (which means I don’t rest/sleep), a full-fledged symphony-in-stereo-with-surround-sound tinnitus in both ears 24/7, near-deafness in one ear from chronic infections and meningitis/mastoiditis, irritable bowel syndrome (which means I spend much time in the bathroom), COPD from chronic bronchitis and several bouts of pneumonia - HELL YES, I want advance notice before having a house full of company.

Sure, I could hire someone to come in to clean. I could do that if we didn’t have to spend so much on medications for me. We have insurance, great insurance, but we have a huge deductible. We also must plan and save for our “senior” years – which aren’t that far off.

When the kids and grandkidlets are here, everyone pitches in to help out. Jeremy (19) has been cooking with me since he was 2. Nick (13) loves helping out in the kitchen. Jeffrey, our son-in-law, is a great cook who will step in to help with anything. Daughter can’t cook – and CAN burn water even if we’ve been told that is scientifically impossible – helps with everything else. Son, when he’s home, also helps. The younger grandkidlets don’t even complain when it’s time to pick up toys or to put away games.

But these are my kids and grandkidlets. They understand that I can’t do it all anymore. Even Jacob (4) tries to push Grandma’s wheelchair when I can’t walk anymore because my hips have locked up.

It’s different, at least I think so, when there are real GUESTS in the house. I’d never think to ask them to mop a floor or clean a toilet or fold laundry. I was taught that by my grandparents, especially Grandma Ruth Kramer, who was the epitome of the perfect hostess. She was the diva of entertaining long before anyone had ever heard of Martha Stewart. She taught me well.

And so it is that I want my home to be ready for company. I want to not be exhausted from a trip to the grocery. I want time to plan meals to see what I can cook ahead of time to reserve energy for visiting.

I work from home. Sometimes my office gets messy. (Hubby’s is eternally messy.) He doesn’t touch my desk and I don’t touch his. It’s a mutual respect thing.

Hell, YES, I want to know when company will be here. If anyone has a problem with that, too bad. Please call before “dropping in”. Please give me at least two days notice if you’re planning an extended stay. I’ll do the same for you.

I’m done feeling guilty about this.